Favorite Gnomco Products

[martinl]

Gnomco Parrote™

The Gnomco Parrote™ is a talkative and brightly colored avian pet with a 18" length of stout woven metal wire concealed inside. You get the wire out exactly the way you're thinking.

Do NOT tell Gnomco Parrote™ about the wire - Gnomco Parrotes™ have been known to somehow get ahold of the wire and use it on owners who tell the Gnomco Parrote™ of its ultimate fate.

Gnomco has a standing bounty of 5000 silver worth of Gnomco goods for anyone who can confirm they destroyed the infamous "Cockatoo Assassin" gang.

[sir_pudding]

Gnomco Gnomen™

This convenient stone triangle is 6 in x 6 in and comes in concrete, white marble, or obsidian. Guaranteed to always cast a shadow, when placed upon a flat surface, even in total darkness[1]! Skilled users can even learn to use this Shadow-in-Darkness to find the current inverse time[2]!

Comes with instructional booklet.

[1] Shadows projected without a light source are composed of Deepest Darkness™.
[2] As the shadow is a projection of the Anti-Sun which "shines" through all times and places, even indoors and at night!

Gnomco is not responsible for the presence or behavior of any entities or phenomena that see so-called "shadows-in-darkness" as inviting "gates" or "holes".

Using the gnomen to find inverse time requires an accurate method of direction finding (such as a compass, spell, or successful use of Absolute Direction), total darkness, the ability to see in total darkness, and a successful Occultism or Navigation roll. Finding the normal time from the inverse is an IQ roll. Any character who knows the inverse time by this method must roll a Fright Check. Each use of this procedure has a (6 or less) chance of summoning an Elder Thing or similar cosmic hazard.

[martinl]

Originally Posted by sir_pudding

Gnomco Gnomen™

Gnominous!

[sir_pudding]

Gnomco Mantle of Gnominousness™

This fetching wool and silk full cloak (or wear as a short-cape for bigger folk) endows the wearer with an aura of Genuine Imitation Divine Power (patent pending). Awe and terrify your friends! Stenorously utter "Be not afraid!" at parties with full confidence!

Comes in maroon, azure, imperial violet, blazing white, and noir black. (imperial violet currently unavailable)

Gnomco is not responsible for the reactions of any genuine divine or profane entities to this product or it's wearer, nor for those of any corporeal representatives thereof. This includes, but is not limited to, any resulting smitings, cursings, trials for heresy, extraordinary ascension to divine realms, or being swallowed by the earth.

The wearer gets +4 reactions from most people and intelligent monsters, who are convinced the character is a divine messenger or manifestation of a god (for some reason, they will
generally assume one of the gnome gods). However, actual divine servitors, demons, etc. as well as anyone with Power Investiture or Holy Might reacts at -4 instead. Furthermore, the wearer suffers any effects that specifically target Excommunicated characters.

[martinl]

Originally Posted by sir_pudding

Gnomco Mantle of Gnominousness™

This one needs to get to the PCs ASAP>

[sir_pudding]

Gnomco Prime!

Gnomco is proud to announce our revolutionary new product delivery service: Gnomco Prime. For a mere $150 per year, you can have instant delivery of the Gnomco products you need, when you need them, even in the deepest dungeons. Simply state your desires, and our dijigngn delivery specialists will match your needs to a manifestation of our wonderful products.

Payment for delivered products will be instantaneously removed from your wealth. In the event that funds are insufficient, Gnombanc will automatically loan them at 5% APR. Payments on this debt will conveniently be paid by instantaneous transfer of up to 25% of dungeon loot


If a subscriber or any member of the subscriber's party says anything that might generously be interpreted as a need that could be fulfilled by a Gnomeco product, that product will instantly appear. As advertised funds will be deducted from any money and/or valuables the subscriber owns. Insufficient funds will trigger a loan on the terms above, the 25% tax happens as soon as the loot is found, and comes from the total value.

[martinl]

Originally Posted by sir_pudding

Gnomco Prime!

To be honest, a lot of Gnomco products are "make your players ragequit" type items, but this one may be the most so.

That said, if they don't find sufficient loot it really seems like gninja debt collectors are required.

[Anders]

Everfitting bra

This bra automatically adjusts itself to fit the wearer, regardless of fluctuations in weight, etc. It is pleasantly cool in hot weather and pleasantly warm in cold weather. The wearer can mentally adjust whether they want to accentuate or downplay their bust.

[martinl]

Originally Posted by Anders

Everfitting bra

This bra ...

Seems ... nice? Problem is, everything Gnomco sells is cursed, and this just seems like a fantastic product with no downside.

...

That's the curse of course. The experiments the PCs will run trying to figure out what is wrong with this one will be unlikely to end before there are fatalities.

At least when you go t**s up you'll look fantastic.

[ravenfish]

Originally Posted by martinl

Problem is, everything Gnomco sells is cursed, and this just seems like a fantastic product with no downside.

Try this:

While the bra is donned, everyone who encounters the wearer (and isn't already reasonably familiar- members of the same adventuring party, for example, are immune) is convinced that the wearer knows information of extraordinary importance. They aren't quite capable of stating why they are so convinced, nor what this information is, and, no matter what the wearer tells them, they will be convinced that the wearer is still withholding it. In extreme cases, the wearer may be imprisoned by intelligence agents desperate to learn Victoria's Secret.