[DF] Lich PCs in DF - Oswald the Violet

[Tymathee]

I think it is imperative that I provide context to as of why Oswald is designed the way he is. My anxiety is spiking and I feel my face is going numb, signs of a potentially incoming panic attack. I feel my hands shaking and tears flowing from my eyes as I write this.

Oswald, on paper, is an exploration of understanding the concept of evil. As a part of the therapeutic process I expect out of my roleplaying experiences, I want this to be something that will be one of the pillars of my intensive therapy for my crippling PTSD, or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Naturally, people will want to know why I have PTSD. It is unavoidable. It effects every aspect of my life, professionally and recreationally. My symptoms can even be triggered at the table when all I'm trying to do is roll some dice and have a good time. I have no choice but to inform my fellow players and the GM because otherwise I'll be blindsiding them potentially when they have to witness me breaking down.

I was repeatedly molested and raped as a child. I witnessed domestic pets being brutally beaten and murdered before my eyes. I was purposefully neglected and often times starved. I was tossed and locked in a room that was fumigated by toxic chemicals, my screams going unheard as I collapsed and fell to the floor unconscious. I was reprimanded for trying to take appropriate legal action against the people who would do harm to me and was told to commit suicide.

That's just a part of my childhood and not even the full story. Adulthood has been even worse.

Unable to hold down a job consistently even though I tried so hard to, I remained homeless for a greater part of the past decade ever since my late teens when I decided being in a homeless shelter with my malignantly narcissistic mother was becoming far too abusive to cope with. My lifelong PTSD made it difficult to take the right actions to rise above my horrify circumstances. I struggled with substance abuse and even alcoholism to drown out my agonizing traumatic memories. I experienced horrific violence that left me bleeding on the sidewalk, I was threatened with violence and forcefully raped, I was nearly murdered by a machete-wielding psychopath....

Part of the neglect I experienced was being left undiagnosed and untreated for my significant ADHD, so I effectively have no meaningful public education. I'm now faced with the fact that I might have to drop out of community college because I'm so ill-equipped to succeed. That means losing my financial aid, my only income right now, and becoming homeless because my own mother has little interest in supporting me and is so profoundly callous that she completely lacks any compassion for my crippling PTSD which is a significant barrier to employment.

Part of PTSD is "survivor's guilt". A large part of me wants to put all the blame on me for the traumatic events that occurred. It is so difficult for me to combat these feelings, but I have to keep reminding my self that the worst of it was committed by bonafide sociopaths and malignant narcissists.

I'm in the process of receiving intensive therapy for my PTSD. Realistically, or perhaps cynically, no amount of heavy medication or counseling is going to make things better, only mildly soften it. I want my roleplaying experiences to be a important pillar of possibly recovering from my illness.

That's a large part of why I made Oswald. I want to explore why evil does what evil does, and how they might consider the lasting consequences of their past actions even if that wasn't something people in my life considered doing.

You could say "Nice story buddy, better sell it to Hollywood and make a fat stack of cash!". This is my story though, and you don't have to believe it. I'm the one who has to live with it.