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Funniest THS moments:
Kitsos: "Hey, there's a cockroach in my apartment, and I can't find it." Caine: "Wait 10 minutes. I'll get to your space station and deploy a Devourer Swarm to hunt it down." |
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. . . and some of the most un-funny:
Cultist: "Haha! They're too late! I already have four Health Mines in my body!" To put things in context, he is referring to surgical modifications that give/increase the chance that the body will suffer a random, seemingly-natural fatal failure, either due to being put under stress, or just with a small probability over the passage of time. GM thinks he failed to convey the crazy fanaticism of the NPC. I'd say that phrase alone made it. |
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Players defeated a magical alien monster, captured its soul jar, then placed said soul jar in an industrial diamond-making machine and turned it on.
GM:You kind of put her soul in a diamond making machine. GM: And then broke it. Player1: Look again. Player1: YOUR SOUL IS NOW DIAMONDS **** Different game. Players are dealing with a chained up-spider demon lady, who wants to be let out. One PC has reason to believe her family has a pact with this monster, so everyone's planning on letting her out. Even after said spider lady mentions that she's eaten humans before. Well, almost everyone. Leonard: "Oh Scotty come on! It's a creepy girl that eats people. In a cave!" Leonard: "WITH SPIDERS." |
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Last game session one of the players had her character go on a drunken bender, black out, and wake up the next morning in a tree wearing someone else's clothes with the "Owl of Shame" staring at him. Then the rest of the group found him:
Drunk: "Get me down." Everyone else: A lot of laughing Drunk: "Please?" Surly Ork: "Fine. Somebody get a grappling hook and some rope. We'll snag his leg and yank him down." Drunk: "What?! No!" Surly Ork: "Crybaby." Surlier Dwarf: *starts spell* "I'll just blast him out then." Drunk: "Ahh! No! What the hell is wrong with you people? You're supposed to be my friends. Help me!" Lizard Guy and Human: "We found a ladder. We can jab him with it until he falls out." Drunk: "I hate my life." |
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I was DMing a game of 1E AD&D many years ago.
A player made a Wish, without the ability or scroll to do so. In my game, that meant god call. I had him roll percentil dice for the page of the Deities and Demigods book. His character, a neutral good elf, got Asmodeus. Big evil dude. His character politlely asked for help. Asmodeus: "Ah, I always wanted a wind up toy. And you're it !" |
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Fantasy game, one player just realized the characters include two halflings, one dwarf, and one gnome.
"We need booster chairs for this adventure!" --- Later, our camp was attacked by a pride of catweres (cats that can take a sorta-human form). One character, using a warhammer, rolled a Head location. Player (singing): Cat splat fever ... |
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An intelligent, educated, responsible AI in charge of a space station (and its security!) asks: "What is an 'insect'? And what is a 'Cyberswarm'?"
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From last night's 1920's era setting. The GM intimates that we may soon need to travel to the Indian jungles.
Player 1: Oh, I'm not sure about that. Lions sleep in jungles. Me: No, that's Tigers. Lions are on the African plains. Player 3: Don't be an idiot! Everyone knows that it's snakes that are on planes! |
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Said simultaneously by a vampire with discriminatory hearing, and a wolf with discriminatory smell:
Vampire: Do you smell that? Werewolf: Do you hear that? |
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Same fantasy game as my last post. We've just caught up with a group of kidnappers, and the GM is collecting party actions. One PC (the mage's bodyguard) wants to borrow the mage's belt of flying and go ahead to attack. Incidentally, those two players are in a relationship.
GM: Player 1, what are you doing? Player 1 (the bodyguard): I strip Player 2 (the mage). GM: Do we really have time for that? |
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From a Rennaissance tech level fantasy game.
"No. No. My character is actually fine with demon bunnies." |
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Mickey Carragher is a heroic warrior PC in his twentieth year, standing around 6'3" and weighing 230 lbs.
He started out the campaign as a moderately well-born younger son from a frontier tribe of rough and disheveled border raiders and warriors. Following much bashing of things with swords and frequent instances of selfless charity and courage, he was dubbed Sir Michael Carragher. This event is still recent enough that Sir Michael is learning the knightly arts and qualifies to joust with squires, most of whom are 14-21 in age. Sir Michael did well in the Squires' Lists and the player was celebrating winning the final tilt with emphasis... GM: "Your character has successfully broken both legs and four ribs of a 14-year-old boy." Ah, sweet victory. |
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PCs are planning to take a ride on a very cheap shuttle.
A: You wanna fly on THIS? B: Yeah. We flew 1au in it. But it's still best not to take off the vacc-suit while in-flight. C: Vacuum suit? O_o D: You know, like a vacuum bed, except it's a suit. |
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GM: You realize you blew up an entire city block and STILL didn't kill the guy on a motorcycle?
Player: HE SHOT MY LEG! 100d explosive laser beams. 8 misses in a row, as a 2000+ point PC vs some guy with a handgun... |
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(Background: in my friend's homebrew fantasy world, the god of the undead is called Necron, and his cult is banned by every civilized land. Said cult had gone underground, and the cultists are making their move to take over.)
A huge fight has broken out between subverted/controlled members of the city guard and the rest. Our party mage decides he needs to see who's on which side before the fireballs come out. At the top of his lungs, he screams "NECRON BLOWS GOATS! I HAVE PROOF!" |
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"It's gone all Flintstones, but in a good way!"
As our ninja ran up the tail and onto the back of a 300 metre dinosaur. |
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GM: Congratulations. You are now carrying $25 worth of antimatter - which is also the equivalent of about 1½ tonnes of TNT - in your pockets.
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"Saying this guy has overconfidence is like saying Dolly Parton has measurements."
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A friend, many years ago:
"Wheel of Time was supposed to be a trilogy, I've been told. Well, I just finished book four. Jordan ain't wrapping this up any time soon." |
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A friend of mine many years ago: "There are two comic book deaths that are never going to be reversed: Jean Gray and Bucky Barnes."
Hans |
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"Somebody died and it wasn't the immortal?"
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From my Monday night Star Wars game a few weeks back.
Me (as GM): The console is non-functional. It looks as though someone shot it. Player: (ooc) Let's shoot it again! That should fix it, right? Me: Gotta love that Star Wars logic. :) |
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Player #1 is compiling some clues to figure out the mystery. Player #2 usually spends most of the game session sleeping. (In real life, not in game.) Player #1 is asking other players about their thoughts on the clues, when Player #2 adds something no one else thought of.
Player #1: (Stands there, looking at Player #2 as if he were an alien.) Sorry, I'm just surprised your awake... and talking! |
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Some time back, the PC hero in our one-on-one was in the midst of a deadly mystery ... but was also anxious about having to sing for the upcoming annual memorial for her mom. Which eventually brought on the following tirade from her brother-in-law's wife, Paula:
"You have serious problems on your plate. You have a psychopath stalking the company, you have a child that could come early at any time, you have a friend with cancer, for the love of Mary. Don’t you think worrying about how nicely you’re going to sing is a wee bit self-indulgent at the moment?" |
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As the Catalina flying-boat we had stolen started its takeoff run down the canal that leads to the Nile, a voice on the radio was audible: "Stop them, you fools!"
If you find yourself saying that, it's clearly time to read the Evil Overlord list. |
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We just started a space opera game. One player is running a Fex -- basically a catman. This player also missed the first game, so the party planner didn't have notes on the character yet.
Player 1: What weapon skills does your Fex have, Player 2? Player 3: (before Player 2 can answer) Balls of yarn, laser pointers ... Player 4: Balls of paper ... |
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PC1: That's the first time I've seen you display normal human emotions, PC2!
PC2: Why, thank you. I've been trying to practice. |
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Was asked to explain what inebriation was, by my 12 year old daughter. As I listed the physiological and cogitative impacts, her twin brother interrupted me and said "... what Dad means is you temporarily go down a level, and you lose some HPs".
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On an emergency sprint from San Diego to Peru, this exchange occurs at Machu Pichu, three days after they left:
Jasmine (15-year old girl): “Oh, crap. Give me the satellite phone.” Siegfried (mage): “What’s up?” Jasmine: “I need to call my folks.” Tom (FBI agent): (Handing Jasmine the phone) “Now?” Jasmine: “I told ‘em I was running to the store to get some soda . . ..” |
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"If you're done with your thirty minute ferret battle..."
****** Due to a botched spell, we were each affected by a different illusion of the end of the world, but I was the only one that made Will roll to disbelieve the effect. Sean: The earth is splitting open! Tamara: The sky is burning! Me: It's slightly warm! ****** GM: It's not going to attack you back, so just keep rolling until you get a hit. Sean: <roll> Miss. <roll> Miss. <roll> Dammit. <roll> Damn. <roll> Arggh. <roll> FFFFUUUUU.... |
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Drake: The four of us are metahumans—we have powers that the rest of this world’s inhabitants don’t normally have.
Bernie (Alien): Ah. What powers do the inhabitants of this world normally possess? James: Overwhelming and abject stupidity. Drake, Diamond and Louis: (Stare at James in shock.) Bernie: That would be a good indication of why [the shapeshifters] chose this world to hide out on. |
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A few from a game of Victorian Monster Hunters, while exploring a town house with questionable dimensional integrity and an abudance of life... but not as we know it.
Mostly OCC, but some actual quotes. Mostly out of context, because it's more fun that way: NPC decapitated head: "Kill me... it hurts so much..." Player 1: "I look for something to put the head in. Oooh, a pith helmet! I use that." Player 2: "You need help." Player 1 [to GM]: "Can her head be my familiar?" PC3: "Do we even know that they're hostile?" PC2: "It's a gibbering demon monkey!" PC1: "How do you know it's demonic? Maybe it's just exotic?" PC2: "It's got tentacles! Not even its mother loved it. I'm calling it. It's demonic." PC1: "It's still my town house. The previous owner might have momentarily returned to a horrifying fascimile of life, but he was certified dead by a doctor and I didn't see any doctor certifying him undead." PC3: "Maybe you ought to see a solicitor about the issue." PC2: "Aren't demons and undead enough for you?" Player 2: "Who'll go first to scout? Does anyone have better Stealth than my intrepid explorer and big game hunter?" Other Players: "[Arguing about the unsuitability of their PCs to be the scout]" GM: "Keep in mind that if the Explorer PC is the scout, that means he'll be unavailable as the guy covering the scout and he's the only good shot." [beat] Player 2: "That little Cockney kid who tried to sell us on him being the chimney sweep probably has decent Stealth and he's still small enough to get a SM modifier to it..." Player 3: "We are not using the 11-year-old kid as bait!" Player 2: "You're the one who's giving kids guns here. I'm just following your lead, Father." PC1: "But we've killed the demonic spider!" PC2: "Spider or spiders?" PC1: "Why would you even say that?" Player 3: "We follow the tracks of the two-legged goats. They look legit and safe." GM: "You can hear shrill laughter among the misty trees, equal parts mischievous, childish and full of leering knowledge, in a voice far too deep and old to cackle like a schoolyard bully." PC2: "This is why you don't give cigars and whiskey to small boys, Father." PC1: "We could just go back..." PC2: "Through spider country?" PC1: "Right. [beat] Onward!" Player 2: "Is that...?" Player 3: "GOATBOY! Kill them all with holy fire!" Player 3: "Yeah! Now Goatboy has a bayonet in him and the power of Christ compelling him." Player 2: "Plus he doesn't seem to be well-endowed." GM: "The shaggy goat creature is only 4' tall. Proportionally, he's doing okay." Player 2: "Pfui. It's a little boy's pee-pee. - Not that they're not okay to scratch an itch.." GM: "The last of the shaggy goat creatures snaps out of his daze, stops lazily gurgling wine and starts to roll off the bloody pile of whimpering bodies. Evidence of his total lack of amusment is supplied by the wilting of his erect member." Player 3: "Hah! How do you like that, Goatboy!? I killed all your buddies!" Player 2: "GM already said he didn't like it." GM: "The smoke is coming from a short man-like creature standing next to the minotaur. It's wearing a rather natty evening suit and top hat, smoking a cigarette from a silver mouthpiece. It appears to be an ape, most likely a chimpanzee." Player 2: "I don't know if I can shoot that. He's far too cute." GM: "He's eating a drumstick with his other hand. Seems to be a human arm." Player 2: "Fine, I'll shoot the damn chimp in a top hat!" Player 3: [cues Puttin' on the Ritz] Player 2: "I'm taking special care not to shoot the top hat. Base of the head, yes, but not the top hat. [beat] Nobody better touch that top hat. That's my swanky top hat now." |
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Not exactly a quote, but a campaign phrase that has entered our slanguage.
In our one-on-one Supers campaign, the brilliant and beautiful Dr. Mist went to the rescue of a reporter friend only to get knocked out herself. When she woke up, she had been abducted to a small factory used by the supervillain, somewhere in Delaware. She had been handcuffed and stripped down, since the villain was aware she was a gadgeteer who could have wondrous devices hidden anywhere. She survived the planned deathtrap, but for secret ID purposes (long story), had to arrange for herself to be found at the factory by the police, apparently the victim of a celebrity kidnapping. Ever since then, whenever her police officer husband thinks she's about to go off on her own and do something reckless, the following exchange usually takes place. He: "Remember, no more Delawares." She: "No more Delawares." EDIT: OK, sometimes, it gets more elaborate, as seen in one of my earlier posts here: Quote:
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The Colonial Marines have crash-landed on a planet where a local tells them that something on this world causes the dead to rise again shortly after being killed. To ensure they stay dead, recently killed beings need to have their brains pierced/destroyed. The only officer amongst the group is also their Doctor. IRL he's a professor.
Doc: Okay... so if I get killed make sure before you pierce my brain! <Half of us give him funny looks> Engineer: Dude, don't you mean check before we pierce your brain?? Doc: Yes!! Yes, do that first before you make sure!! |
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From my Star Wars game last month:
<Mekyla> "There's a planet here." <Lyeana> "We could fix that, you know." <Leslie> "Now now, Lyeana, one mustn't waste planets. You never know when they could come in handy." <Jaddak> "Not even you can destroy an entire planet" <Jaddak> "Destroy all life on said planet I have no doubt but actually destroy it ...no" <Dmitri> "The day one person can destroy a whole planet is the day I call it quits and retire to Alderaan..." |
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From my current Mage game over Skype:
"If you talk more, I'm going to have to give your lawyer more penalties..." "Does Nevada still have that rule where if you survive three executions, they let you go free?" "I don't think anywhere has that rule..." |
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"So she's an emotionally disturbed recluse with superpowers and we're unexpected visitors. Let's go say hi!"
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"So we walk into the IRS, point a gun at someone, and say 'Take us to your leader!'"
-- "Well, most of the people you'd recognise got arrested..." |
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"I am Queen Dick Hit!"
One of my players shouted that after her random hit location rolls came up "Groin" several times in a roll. She's now keeping a tally of her character's strikes to the groin. |
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GM: I used to think looking for a spare world to blow up would be confined to Lensman campaigns.
... Player: This campaign is now Worldpunk. |
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"I was going to buy off my Intolerance (Spanish), but having met Don Quixote, I'll delay that a week or two."
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From the ongoing Dr. Mist campaign:
Dr. Mist, our favorite gadgeteer, has gradually developed a chilly relationship with Kit, a SEAL commander in San Diego. Frustrated by this, friends arrange to abduct them and trap them in a hideout somewhere (making it look like one of Mist's enemies) so that they have to actually stay in the same room and talk it out. Amazingly, it works. Even though both have been stripped to keep her inventive genius from working out an escape early, creating its own awkwardness. And as the mood thaws ... MIST: "So, Kit...how are we going to continue this good will after all is said and done?" KIT: "I suppose getting naked in some out-of-the-way cabin once a month is out of the question?" |
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GM: "All the orcs are now on fire and screaming, as is the table they were sitting around."
Half-Giant Barbarian: "I try and put them out with my axe!" |
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We're in a Mage game, Traditions-side. One of the party members has just finished making an AI that taps into traffic cameras, because we want to know what the Technocracy is up to.
"Yes, I did just give it a command in MySQL." "Well, apparently if you have a trinary computer, you can write an AI in SQL." "It's just a case of letting SQL return 'Well, maybe it's there.' Which apparently it can do on a trinary computer." "Trust me, SQL can already return 'Well, maybe it's there.'" The storm of hilarity continued for a full five minutes... par for the course when the game is entirely techies meeting on VOIP. All names in this excerpt are character names. Charles has a 5-point Enemy disadvantage, which essentially means that every vampire in Las Vegas is determined to snuff him, and a 5-point Sanctum advantage which means that so long as he doesn't leave his house, they can't find him. If he steps outside, though... GM: "Uh, right now you only really have two characters that can fight, Marc and Jason." P1: "Charles can fight!" GM: "He's more of a tank." P2: "And way too good at pulling aggro..." P1: "Leroy!" |
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GM: So, are you going to steal the Crown Jewels?
PC: Eh, I can't be bothered. |
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This quote is mine, and it's long, so perhaps it's a little self-indulgent. And supposedly one of the principles of writing is to kill your favorites. But enh. I really like it.
It was a brief play-by-email interlude in an online game. The character is a fairly normal D&D wizard. Having made suitable preparations for surviving the trip, he's casting plane shift to take everyone to the Quasielemental Plane of Lightning, aiming for the Tower of Storms. Quote:
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Is our default stance hitchhiking, or murder?
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Note that this conversation did not take place in relation to any actual ongoing GURPS game.
<Celti> I just bought two tickets to an event I'm not really interested in because a cute redhead asked me to. * Godwinson slaps Celti across the back of the head <Godwinson> Stop failing your resistance rolls against Influence skills! <Celti> That quirk for +4 to reactions from redheads really makes it hard, though! <Godwinson> This is true <Godwinson> You really need to swap out that quirk <Godwinson> It's very characterful, sure, but a +4 is *really* suboptimal <Celti> The GM doesn't believe in changing quirks after character creation without serious extenuating circumstances. <Godwinson> Find someone with Brainwashing or Psychology skill <Godwinson> RAW has those as valid ways to shift quirks around <Godwinson> Probably a bit expensive though, seeing as how specialized those skills are <Godwinson> Crap <Godwinson> Wealth is a *really* overpowered advantage in this campaign <Godwinson> Also, the GM needs to make up his mind if the US follows the Classless Meritocracy guidelines for status or not. |
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I never meta joke I didn't like. ;)
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From a Rifts game several years back:
Vander: "Lemme explain to you about military men, kid! Steve thinks in terms of group survival. That means he ain't gonna consider his social life until everyone's safe. Somebody dies or gets hurt on his watch, he feels responsible. Your acting like a farking wombat in heat with termites up her shorts ain't helping!" |
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"We're not horrible people, we're just really bad at our jobs."
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"People like you are why we have the ATF."
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I've mentioned this quote before, but it's been a few years and so I'll mention it again:
"We're troubleshooters. We cause trouble, then we shoot at it." |
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Not a quote but a vignette: Three troubleshooters hide in three open-topped crates standing side by side. The one in the middle takes a hand grenade in each hand and quietly drops them in the two other crates, then ducks. Hans |
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"We seem to have lost the plot."
"Impossible! No plot that small has a cloaking device!" |
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A school headmistress of Finnish descent is talking with Dr. Mist about which relatives Mist's teenage protege can safely open up to.
HEADMISTRESS: "And with this aunt?" MIST: "Kathleen goes out of her way to distance herself from us all, unforunately" HEADMISTRESS: "You're sure she's not Finnish?" MIST: "She's a very staunch Catholic. Does that count?" |
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In last Sunday's superhero game, one hero and one villain were getting a bit monotonous in their choices of actions.
Me: It's Champions Newton's Cradle; Move Through -->, Move Through <--, Move Through --> .... |
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Ken Hite has taken up writing songs. Link is to lyrics on his LiveJournal.
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From last Saturday's session of Deniable Assets
http://rpg.drivethrustuff.com/produc...Deniable-Asset "I defend with my OnStar App." It worked too. |
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In the TORG campaign:
"He's a Possibility Piñata! Keep hitting him!" |
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From the Accord LARP I play in:
GM: Your flashlight is working really well now, lighting up the entire room Player 1[OOC]:It's going to burn out and then the horror movie will start. Player 2[OOC]: Don't worry, the werewolf, the mummy, the spiders creature and Frankenstein monster (I know you aren't actually a Frankenstein, no offense) are coming to save you Player 1[IC and OOC]: I'm screwed |
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D&D, years ago:
Player: "I've cut my own head off, haven't I?" DM: "Yes..." Player: "It's OK, the #2 artifact keeps my soul safe!" |
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GM: What you do is load the arbalest ahead of time, then carefully aim it at your target and squeeze, not jerk the trigger. Then after you miss, walk to your opponent and beat him to death with it.
(The initial chance to hit with the "arbalest" in Runequest was 5% plus dex bonus) |
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Player: "It's a bad sign when your party has less sense of self-preservation than a pack of lobsters."
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NPC "Fish or Death!" and "Think of the Mackerel!"..
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