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Gnomco Dodgy Tree™

Tired of pesky lumberjacks chopping down your favorite trees? Purchase a Dodgy Tree and those lumberjacks won't be singing anymore. Guaranteed¹ to evade all axe swings.

¹ Note that this is the only guarantee².
² Specifically, Gnomco does not guarantee reliability³ on other fronts.
³ For example, if your Dodgy Tree refuses to provide shade, throws crab apples at you, or shakes off your bird feeders, that's on you.

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...
I see what you did there. LOL.

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Gnomco Disturbingly Realistic³ Ventriloquist's Dummy™
A must for the bard in your life.¹ +2 on all ventriloquism performance rolls using the dummy. Guaranteed to never get lost.²

¹ Bard must roll 3d every night. On an 17+ the dummy animates (as an homogeneous doomchild with 3 extra DR) and tries to kill them. If it succeeds it moves on to targets of opportunity in the general vicinity.
² Specifically, no matter what happens, the dummy will be in your stuff when go to sleep. You can throw it in a volcano, strip naked, swim to the middle of a non-mana lake and sleep hanging from a harness 50' in the air hanging from a hot air balloon, and when you wake up you will be holding the dummy.
³ Yes, completely.

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Gnomco Giant Flower Egg™

Tired of small portions and boring-old dried rations? Try the Gnomco Flower Egg™! The top of this barrel of goodness opens like a flower when it is ready to eat!

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Ready for delvers to eat, or ready for the flower to eat whatever it feels like?

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Gnomco Emergency Life Support Egg™

Using the classic form factor of the Gnomco Flower Egg™, the Emergency Life Support Egg opens and deploys our patented Gnomco Self-Attaching Ventilator Mask. Once attached the mask places the patient safely into a medically induced coma while ensuring their lungs remain supplied with filtered, breathable air, even in the most inhospitable environments! In order to cope with emergency situations when medical personnel may not be available, we have equipped the mask with independent locomotion and the ability to locate persons in need of assistance on its own! Rest assured, you'll even be looking good when rescue does arrive; this biomechanical marvel's stylish looks were designed by renowned artist, H.R. Gnomger!

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Gnomco Hench ... thing Egg™

Using the classic form factor of the Gnomco Flower Egg™, and the Gnomco Emergency Life Support Egg™, the Hench ... thing Egg is a surprisingly portable henchthing in flower-egg form. Simply place the egg inside a locked chamber with an incapacitated (but not dead) humanoid and wait. Less than one day later your new hench ... thing will melt through the door using its amazingly helpful acid powers.

Gnomco not responsible for hench ... thing recruitment, morale, or loyalty. Do not let hench ... thing into the walls. Do not bring hench ... thing back to Town. Do not taunt hench ... thing.

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Yes.

567890

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Gnomco, The Only.Way To Be Sure

Due to product safety concern with our Flower Egg™ line of products, Gnomco is issuing a full recall, effective immediately.

This is the last voice you will ever hear.

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Saturate the continent with aerially deployed Hellgnome Doomchildren, it's the only way to be sure.

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Gnomco Hellgnome Doomstrike™

This monthly subscription service, $1000/month plus a per use fee of $200, is a surefire way to solve pesky monster problems (and military ones too!). Simply point the Gnomco Magic Designator Wand™ at the target, intone your unique activation phrase and wait for the fireworks to arrive! A Gnomco Hellgnome Portal™ will soon appear at the designated point, releasing a horde of high explosive Hellgnome Doomchildren on your target, who is about to have a very bad day.

The designator has a range of up to two miles and no minimum range (be sure to shout "Danger Close!" If the target is within 400 yards, because it sounds cool). Bust out the rules in High-Tech for artillery support, but note most delvers will roll Forward Observer by default. The Gnomco Customer Fire Support gnomes have an effective Artillery (Teleportation) skill of 12. The portal will appear in 1d minutes and remans open for 2d+2 seconds. During this time corrections made with Forward Observer will adjust the portal location. Each turn it is open 1d doomchildren push through and make a potential combat reaction roll for whatever they see on arrival. They react to anyone holding the designator wand at -4 in addition to normal monster reaction modifers.

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...
...
.
OK, Sir Pudding, that is approximately as terrifying as RW nuclear arsenals. Good job.

Edit - It does seem that Hellgnome Doomkinder should have a gnomish twist though. How about giving each one a quasi-random assortment of unstable alchemical grenades?

On further thought, how come no one has armed Kaboomenfants with grenades before? The synergies...

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Probably just pointy hats.

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Doomchilds carrying doombabies?

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Creepy eyed dolls with pull strings on the back that trigger both an adorable voice saying an adorable phase and a terrible explosion of poisoned porcelain fragments.

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Gnomco Boomdaddy

Gnomco has devised the newest siege weapon for your arsenal, upsized Doomchildren! How did Gnomco get them to grow up to be bearded berserking BoomDaddys? Only Gnomco knows...


Boomdaddy
Boomdaddies are hulking demonic manchildren, frothingly berserk that attack everything over the slightest provocation. Often found alone, occasionally shepherding a pack of Doomchildren, sometimes accompanied by an errant Rageteen or two. Bulging eyes and bloated heads mar their disturbingly bearded manchild appearance. They’re very fragile; one solid hit will kill them. On dying, though, they explode in a cloud of flame, just like a magical fireball.

ST: 18 HP: 8 Speed: 7.00
DX: 18 Will: 10 Move: 10
IQ: 6 Per: 10
HT: 10 FP: 10 SM: +1
Dodge: 10 Parry: 11 DR: 0

Death Blast: On dying, produces a 9d burning explosion (just like an Explosive Fireball spell) and everyone within five yards is hit with a 3d cutting attack from flying bone shards (those who can see the explosion get a Dodge roll against this).
Large Knife (18): 5d-2 cutting at reach C, 1 or 3d-1 impaling
at reach C.
Traits: Berserk (12); Doesn’t Breathe; Doesn’t Eat or Drink; Doesn’t Sleep; Immunity to Disease; Immunity to Poison; Indomitable; Striking ST 10; Unfazeable.
Skills: Knife-18.
Class: Demon.
Notes: Unwilling to negotiate. Truly evil.

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Suggestion:

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This reminds me of wights in the computer game Myth. (I'm unable to dig out my copy of GURPS Myth right now; anyone recall how much dam the wights' explosions do?)

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"The Wight's attack does 7d uniformly over an area centered on himself with a radius of 12 hexes" (GURPS Myth, p. 66). Plus "level 5 irritant Venom" over the same area. (I don't remember what that meant in 3e.)

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Wow, that's a big blast radius. "Uniformly" is not at all how explosion dam normally works in GURPS, but I get that it's meant to be a direct translation of the computer game workings.

If we turn that into a proper DFRPG explosion, anyone outside the wight's hex will take far less dam than 7d. We could crank up the dam to something even higher - like the boomdaddy's 9d - to compensate, getting massive same-hex damage and a giant max radius of effect, but stout delvers even a few hexes away won't be hurt much. So it goes.

Anyway. Giant walking bombs on the battlefield? A good thing. (I suppose the only changes I'd make to the boomdaddy for myself, as personal preference, would be slower Move, making it a slowly-approaching Big Threat; and a proper HP 18 for its size, but with all boom-things blowing up on a major wound.)

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Ahah, definitely!

Boomdaddies should be telling terrible jokes or cracking horrible puns with every attack.


Bonus Boomdaddy joke: How does a joke become a Dad joke?

When it's apparent.

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Gnomco Rappier™

This sword gives +4 to skill in Rap battles.

Gain enemy group, hooded assassins with a beef [9].

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The beef is great for stake-outs.

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That's some Redcap vs Bluecap fo'shizzle!

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Gnomeco Explosive King Clone

Assassins got you down? Can't sleep in your own bed? Make them think twice with this exact genetic duplicate that explodes when stabbed throwing razor sharp shrapnel around the room. Please allow 3 - 6 weeks for custom production. Defects in this product are part of its aesthetic appeal and non-refundable. Line of succession issues are not covered by the warrenty so don't use your Gnomeco Explosive King Clone to get out of boring relationship stuff to go golfing or fishing.

Gnomeco Explosive King Clown
This inflatable king sized clown is funny but prone to violent outbursts. It can dish it out but it can't take it. Gnomeco is not responsible for the consequences of giving the Gnomeco Explosive King Clown an axe to grind.

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Gnomco Explosive Suppositories™

These will cure your hemorrhoids. One way, or the other.

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Following the success of the Inflatable King Clown we have introduced.

Gnomeco inflatable decoys. Our super realistic, replicas pack down tight and self inflate (Gnomeco is not responsible for injuries and death caused by swallowing inflatable decoys whole.

Inflatable Dragon
Terrify your foes with this bobbing beast. available in Black, Red, and Pink. This seven yard long beast features a six yard wingspan. Please specifiy color on order form.

Artificial Dragon Doo
Add realism to your pink dragon with these dreadfully realistic brown mounds with skulls and femurs printed on the sides.

Aersol Dragon Stench
Dragons ain't clean beasts and this foul murk will fool even the sharpest nose. For external use only. No this isn't the Aerosol cheese we couldn't sell off last year with a new label stuck on it. Why would you even ask that?

Inflatable Amazon Princess
Ideal for decoying dragons, knights, and heroes. Comes with separate flowing transparent robe. No we didn't just repackage unit 80085 from our adult mail order catalog.

Inflatable Boulder
Need some cover? Somewhere to hide? This grey lump will almost keep you mostly safe from your foes.

Inflatable Dungeon Gate
Just stick it to the side of a cliff and enjoy hours of fun watching wizards trying to figure out the magical password.

Inflatable Bard With Bagpipes
A customer favorite, guaranteed to draw the enemy's first round of fire.

Inflatable Giant
Fi, fi, foe, fumm, just remember that filling this guy with Aerosol Dragon Murk is considered a war crime in most kingdoms.

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Not quite guaranteed. There's one recorded instance of enemy troops deliberately avoiding shooting the bagpiper. Granted, it was because they believed he had lost his mind amd it was rude to shoot a madman, bu still.

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To be fair that was a real bagpiper and a talented one at that. It's our inflatables that are guaranteed, you'll have to cover your own reall bagpipers.

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Gnomco Sabatons of Morris Dancing™

Clever delvers wearing these armored boots get a +2 to all morris dancing checks they may need to survive the Dungeon.¹

¹ When wearing these, multiple morris dancing checks may be necessary² to survive any dungeon.
² Specifically, any time the player rolls exactly 13 on a skill check, they take 1d-1 morris damage every round until they make 5 morris dancing checks. Each check takes one second and prevents other action. Any delver killed by morris damage becomes a chubby orange feline and runs away.

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Gnomco Thread Necromancer™

Smash this amusingly styled clay vessel and the greenish black fumes that emerge will curse all dead organic fibers in a 3 yard radius¹ with unlife.²

¹ Fibers that are closely entangled with each other will animate as a single creature, so for ecample one's pants and underpants would animate as separate fabrighouls™
² Specifically, the kind of unlife that hates all living things and draws power from gory murder

Gnomco does not guarantee the seals on the clay vessel.

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Gnome Co Leaf Rake [TM]
This amazing paper sack will hold 8 cubic feet of leaves and weighs about 1 pound when full. When invoked the leaves will spill out of the sack and become a devilishly handsome and witty fellow who will attempt to seduce and charm any and all females in the area.

Gnome Co Stocks [TM]
These ordinary wooden stocks can be used to imprison and punish enemies. Strangely the value of these stocks rises and falls seemingly at random. Multiply the base cost of $100 by 1d6 - 1d6 each time the stocks are bought and sold. If the cost of the stocks reaches $200 it divides and becomes two $100 stocks. If the cost of the stocks falls below $1 they become "Penny Stocks" and automatically shrink to a size only useful for imprisoning and punishing fairies.