And finally...
Mr. Teatime
387 points
Jonathan Teatime (he always pointed out politely that the name should be pronounced “Teh-ah-tim-eh”) was a qualified Assassin based at the Guild HQ in Ankh-Morpork. The Guild had taken him in at a young age and he had taken to their training like a troll duck to sinking in water, but once he qualified, his
enthusiasm for the job soon began to unnerve them. Frankly, he turned out to like killing people, on minimal excuses. His ability to unnerve even senior Assassins with the brilliance of his tactics began to lose its charm, too.
The Guild was on the verge of asking him to leave, and might well have decided to eliminate him to avoid further complications (although the consequences of that decision might have got horribly messy). However, that was when the Auditors came to the Guild with an extremely high-paying commission; to inhume the Hogfather. Lord Downey of the Guild correctly guessed that Mr. Teatime might be the one person they had who was capable of tackling this task. Actually, it turned out that Mr. Teatime had already worked out a plan for this purpose, just as an exercise. One long and bloody Hogswatch night later, he had come dangerously close to succeeding, and to destroying the Tooth Fairy organisation as a side-effect, but in the end, he himself was killed when he sought revenge on Death and Susan Sto Helit for his defeat.
Teatime was brilliant, with a wide range of abilities that seemed to verge on the superhuman, but also
broken. Unfortunately, while most people who are broken just hurt themselves most of the time, Teatime hurt other people, all the time. He was fully in touch with his inner child, who was a vicious, cheerful little psychopath who would break anything that inconvenienced or bored him, and who treated people as things. He had a handsome, boyish look that was only spoiled by one of his eyes; it seems that he had lost this somehow, and had it replaced by a sphere made of enchanted glass. This apparently not only worked fine, but gave him the ability to see things that were supernaturally invisible. This is
not an idea which any sane Discworld magical expert would recommend.
Teatime’s insanity also gave him exceptional mental defences, and he was peculiarly good with animals, especially dogs, despite the fact that he would kill them as casually as he would humans.
PCs might encounter Jonathan Teatime in games set a little way into the Disc’s recent past, or could run across consequences or heirlooms of his activities; he was the sort of person who’d leave lethal psychological booby-traps in his wake, just because. If he appears in person, the PCs may have to expect casualties, even – or especially – if he is on the same side.
ST 12 [20];
DX 15 [100];
IQ 15 [100];
HT 12 [20].
Damage 1d-1/1d+2; BL 29 lb; HP 12 [0]; Will 15 [0]; Per 15 [0]; FP 12 [0].
Basic Speed 7.00 [5]; Basic Move 7 [0]; Dodge 11; Parry 13 (Knife).
5’10”; 145 lbs.
Social Background
TL: 4 [0].
CF: Sto Plains/Uberwald (Native) [0].
Languages: Morporkian (Native) [0]; Latatian (Accented) [4]; Quirmian (Accented) [4].
Advantages
Animal Empathy [5]; Appearance (Attractive) [4]; Combat Reflexes [15]; Fearlessness 1 [2]; Indomitable [15]; Mind Shield 3 [12]; See Invisible (Spirit) [15]; Status 1 [5]; Versatile [5]; Wealth (Comfortable) [10].
Perks: Assassin in Good Standing; Crossbow Safety; Off-Hand Weapon Training (Knife); Quick-Sheathe (Knife). [4]
Disadvantages
Bully (12 or less) [-10]; Callous [-5]; Duty (Assassins’ Guild Service; 12 or less) [-10]; Reputation -1 (Frankly Scary, in the Assassins’ Guild) [-1]; Sadism (12) [-15]; Unnatural Feature 1 (Weird grey glass eye) [-1].
Quirks: Always acts cheerful; Proud. [-2]
Skills
Acrobatics (H) DX+1 [8]-16; Animal Handling (Dogs) (A) IQ-1 [1]-14; Architecture/TL4 (A) IQ-1 [1]-14; Area Knowledge (Ankh-Morpork) (E) IQ [1]-15; Blowpipe (H) DX-2 [1]-13; Camouflage (E) IQ [1]-15; Climbing (A) DX [2]-15; Crossbow (E) DX [1]-15; Fast-Draw (Knife) (E) DX+1 [1]-16*; Fast-Draw (Sword) (E) DX+1 [1]-16*; Fast-Talk (A) IQ [2]-15; Heraldry (A) IQ-1 [1]-14; Holdout (A) IQ-1 [1]-14; Intimidation (A) Will-1 [1]-14; Judo (H) DX-1 [2]-14; Karate (H) DX+1 [8]-16; Knife (E) DX+5 [16]-20; Lockpicking/TL4 (A) IQ-1 [1]-14; Occultism (A) IQ-1 [1]-14; Poisons/TL4 (H) IQ-1 [2]-14; Psychology (Human) (H) IQ+1 [8]-16; Rapier (A) DX+3 [12]-18; Research/TL4 (A) IQ [2]-15; Riding (Equines) (A) DX-1 [1]-14; Savoir-Faire (High Society) (E) IQ [1]-15; Stealth (A) DX [2]-15; Streetwise (A) IQ-1 [1]-14; Tactics (H) IQ-1 [2]-14; Thaumatology (VH) IQ-3 [1]-12; Thrown Weapon (Knife) (E) DX [1]-15; Traps/TL4 (A) IQ [2]-15.
* Includes +1 from Combat Reflexes.
Lord Downey of the Guild said, “We took pity on him because he’d lost both parents at an early age. I think that, on reflection, we should have wondered a bit more about that.”
– Hogfather